Sunday, December 2, 2012

Past. Future. Letting go. Acceptance. Happiness.



Hello :) It's been more than 3 years since my last post. I quit blogging because I can't manage it anymore. But what happened to me this day pushed me to blog again. :) It's an amazing happening. A happening that I'm very grateful that I was able to experience.~



B was my boyfriend for almost 2 years which makes him my first true love. Y'know, 2 years is a lot and I admit it, a year passed after we broke up, I still missed the old good times with him. In short, I took a hard time to move on.

K is my suitor for couple of months now. I don't know him that much. We don't have any mutual friends but I can tell myself that I'm nicely acquainted with him in just a short time. I hang out with him a lot and was able to meet his friends too.


I've never been caught this much in a crossfire in my entire life. This is not the first time I felt confused about my feelings, but I believe, what just happened is one of the biggest turning point of my life. And here's how it goes:


I planned to get B's attention again after seeing him from a long time. At first, it turned out so well. I talked to him almost everytime. We hang out and I enjoyed every little thing we did. The sad thing is, everytime I tell him I still like him and ask him if he feels the same way too, I can't get a straightforward response. Until it all happened again, and I finally got an answer of "No". I admit it, it's hard for me to accept it. To accept that I'm just now a plain friend for him and he can't bring back the sweet treatment like we had before. I thought he would be in a relapse because of my effort. But it all ended there, it's not enough. 

I'm not anymore the one that he wants.

And in the end, I realized that what I feel for him is a feeling that I should've let go a long time ago...





K is always there. I hate him for being so thoughtful even if he knows that I'm pursuing B amidst our getting-to-know-each-other phase. I'm aware that indirectly I'm hurting him. I can see it in his eyes that he didn't like what I'm doing. But there goes the nice guy, understanding me and pretending that he feels nothing about it. He became my crying shoulder. Everytime I am hurt, he will come and talk to me. He's a very good friend, a friend of mine that I thought was just a plain friend. 

But deep inside my heart, I'm unaware that I'm falling for him..



I often chose B over K because what I feel for B is idyllic. All I wanted is to get him back and take care of him. That's what I wanted all the time. That's what I registered in my mind, which is wrong. Past is past they say. It sounds cliche but it's the truth, right? I lurked in the past. I let the old feeling keep me trapped. I closed my heart. 

I thought I still love B, yeah, I still like him though but I realized last night that if I'm truly in love with him, I would never be this selfish. I got angry when he's happy with other girls. I always ask him, demand and push my self to him which is never my real intention. If the pure love is still there, I will let him go, do what he wants and be happy for his happiness, if he come back to me, let it be, right? But what I did is the opposite, I rushed him, kinulit ko siya, I even said mean things against him. That's why I realized that maybe it's the reason why he can't like me anymore. My intentions to him look like I'm convincing him to like me. It's wrong, it's always wrong. 

And this finally came to my mind, maybe I still have feelings for B but he's not the one that I exactly wanted. What I really want is the old feeling. The feeling that I lost when we broke up. The feeling that made me very happy. I miss that so much. It's like our feelings for each other was just an unfinished business. 

Long gone and must let go. 

I was trapped.



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December 2, 2012 ; 9:00am

I woke up this morning without any texts from K. I don't know why but I cried early in the morning and heck! I don't usually do that if I'm not totally hurt. This morning was sad. -__- I thought that maybe K lost hope and cut his communication. It's my fault, after all the good things he did to me, I just made him stop pursuing me last night. It hurts him and his letter for me is heartbreaking <///3. And I began to wonder "I cried so hard because of him, why? And two times in a row, how?" I never cry because of guys. He's the second guy that made me cry so hard.

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I made K stop because I can feel that he's not ready for anything yet. I know he knows that, he just can't tell it clearly. I admire him for being so humble. He knows where he stands. "Grace under pressure" is his thing. He never gets mad easily. He's always the Mr. Brightside. But I really believe that he can't have me while he's busy with his study life.  He got loads to catch up on. I remember that the reason why I broke up with B is that he's busy and I believe that he must focus first in his study without any interruptions. I also wanted K to finish his study first. He skipped some classes just to be with me, I don't want that. I would never want anyone to do that for me. <//3

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December 2, 2012 ; 11:00am

Home alone. I was surprised that someone knocked on my door. A brown-haired guy with bangs wearing white shirt and carrying a plastic bag in his hand. Yayy, it's K. He brought lunch for me. He's not saying anything. After he gave me my yummy fresh lumpia lunch, I talked to him, still no words. Instead, he just grabbed my pillow and comforter in my room and slept in our sala. Weird! o__o For 2 hours, he really fell asleep. I waited for him to wake up. 

I was watching TV when I finally heard his voice. He's awake and told me that it's his only sleep within 24 hours. He said sorry for sleeping in our sala and he'll leave the house after I give him a glass of water. I thought of a very crazzzzyyy idea. I went to the kitchen and picked 11 cups and filled it with water. He saw it and he was surprised. He told me that he ca't drink it all. I told him that he can leave this house only if he can finish drinking all these 11 cups of water. :)))))

He took 4 cups. He looked full but still, he kept drinking. Then he quit and said "Sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo kong paalisin, ok lang naman. Hahaha.

And I replied "Wag ka muna umalis." 

I seriously told him I want to spend more time today with a guy that I just recently loved. He looked surprised. 

Yes, I told him "Ikaw na talaga ang gusto ko" :)

I feel great when I confessed to him. He may not believe it because I never treated him like a boyfriend before.  I never gave signs that I like him. But yes, I fell for him. Too late to say but it's the right thing to do. 

We watched watched DVD ParaNorman, ate all the junkfoods *carbs. Enjoyed the last time together :)

Yess, last time.

Even though I already fell for him, I'm still willing to let him go. I don't want to rush things. Love can wait right? I told him "Kung ikaw, ikaw", "Kung tayo, tayo." Accept everything in the future. :) He said yes. He's willing to let me go too. He said that studying is still his priority. If I'm still the one he's in love with, he will come back and pursue me again.

Unfortunately, Mom called me that she's now going home with sis. They shouldn't see K in our house alone with me. HAHAHAHAHA! :)) Kutos abot.  Finally, he went home, he seems happy. Well, I'm very happy too :)

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I don't know how long my feelings for K will stay. I don't know if someday, he's still in love with me :) 

But one thing's for sure: 
"Good things come to those who wait."  

Maybe someday K will find another girl, B will be with Ruth someday and I will be with another guy too. Who knows what the future holds right? B said "Let the game come to you" and yes, I will let the game come to me.



Letting go of my first love and my recent love at the same time is hard but worth it :) They are both special to me and I just want them to be happy. I wanna say sorry to them for what I did. I've been a nuisance. Super sumakit ulo nilang dalawa dahil sakin pero they still understand me. Hayy, thank you both! >:D

I guess I'm done here. :) :-*

#BeginAgain






Thursday, June 25, 2009

Party popping shawty~!


I got lots of reasons to party this week. Lee Min Ho's birthday, Dad's day and most of all, the 2 days suspension. I've been a busy bee these past few weeks because of school. I even dumped someone *laughs* but it's nothing to mope about. By the way, I did not go to school last monday because of high fever and cough. I sneezed a lot and I thought that it'll be pretty unusual to go to school. Ughh, I thought I was going to miss our quiz in math. Speaking of quizzes, I'm effin' sick of studying about our 131-item shitty quiz in Biology. Thanks the heavens! class was suspended.

♥♥♥
"Sometimes you have to
be a bitch to get things done."

Oh, well, I got nothing left to say. Nothing so significant happened this week. I'm just enjoying the class suspensions and laughing about what Kia said earlier - "Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done." Lol xD It came from an inborn Ms. Prim and Proper named Kia and I was surprised that these words came from her mouth. Actually, she was bombarded with non-sense questions by someone and got insulted. Poor kid. Hahaha, well, til the next post :))

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Fascinated with baby MinHo♥


Photobucket

I was surfing the net and weee! I got these cute baby Lee Min Ho♥ pictures. Obviously, he's oh!so cute as a baby (I wanna pinch his cheeks!) and these pics made me thought about his childhood years. His likes, his school - everything about his real life. I found this blog -cilck- and read an entry about LMH's childhood. I got interested because the title said "Get to know LEE MIN HO straight from his MOM!". Oh well, I'm not that selfish so I'll share some baby MH facts from her mom :))

"When he was young, we all called Min Ho “sudden blink”. The main reason was because due to his large eyes, it was very cute when his eyes blink continuously." Well, for me. Even if he's not blinking - he's still cute.

"Min Ho had a very good relationship with his sister. The number of arguments they had were really countable. This day, they posed on the table with the cake that their father had bought." I adore young MH for this because I often fight my sister out of simple things and non-sense reasons xD

"Min Ho is very shy, I had never dreamt of him becoming an actor one day. Even the song that he sang during his kindergarden birthday party was also after several practice at home with mom. Even though Min Ho was very shy when he was young, but he met plenty of friends when he progressed to middle school. He became more extrovert from then on." Waah! I want to have a time machine, go to the past and hear his cute little voice :))

"Beginning from middle school stage, Min Ho is already very handsome and also enjoyed a high popularity among guy and girl friends. Even his sister’s friends called him “yun kyung’s ‘pretty boy’ brother”." MinHo is always effin' handsome! even pimples can't destruct xD

Can't stop the LMH fever!. Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this post. Oh yeah, I forgot - 13 days to go before his birthday. Advance birthday LMH! :)) Send us some plane tickets here in PH and we'll give you the most wonderful birthday bash ever xD


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hey, start out!


School is in. Wake up at 4:45am, 5 minutes of having second thoughts if I want to go to class xD, take a bath, breakfast and argue with mom - you know the drill!. I was nervous about the class opening. Okay, it's the second time I gone nervous about that matter. I don't know if it's because June 1 was too early for class! and arghh! I'm really against it or it's because I'm a Senior now? I don't know xD. Class opening was kinda boring for me. My new classmates were so quiet (until now) and I want to slap them!. Good thing is I was able to be with many of my former classmates again. At least may kadaldalan ako. Well, nothing so significant happened for the first week of class. There were way too many suspensions (dagdagan pa!xD) due to weather 'malfunctions' *lmao!* - sabi nga ng pinsan kong magaling. I mean, due to bad weather - at nakakainis, I left my Physics, Filipino and English notebooks at school. I was thinking about the homeworks. San ko isusulat yun? *laughs*

By the way, College stuffs still bother me. Dad just got my UPCAT application and my mom wanted me to apply to a review center. Okay, I'm on the process. The problem is I don't even know what course am I going to take *sigh*. My mom is bugging me about that. Wala talagang pumapasok sa utak ko. Btw, If I mess up the UPCAT and miss studying at UP, I'm planning to take up my College in UE or UST, PUP, what else?. Ughh, I know - College is a big deal and I always become tense whenever my Mom talks about it.

---cut
"but i love you girl nega isseojwosseumyeon sipeo but i love you girl nega jabajwosseumyeon sipeo but i love you girl malhajianhado seotun nae mam jebal nochimarajwoyo..."
Forget about the school, I'm currently listening to G-Dragon's But I love you - I'm having LSS right now. Oh yeah, I am stuck in love with ♥Lee Min Ho's Dunkin Donuts commercial . Whoaa! he's so cute there. Can't stop the MH♥ fever!. Btw, I'm still doing my Physics homework and waiting for the dinner to be ready - I'm hungry.

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